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mjj22's Blog


Will you be home tonight?

I met a guy about a year ago and although I realised almost immediately how great he was, for various reasons, I couldn't be with him.  He made it very obvious that he wanted to be with me and he decided he wasn't going to let me rest until I agreed to go out with him.  
Initially I felt terrible about having to say no, but eventually it became kind of fun.  We made a joke out of it and he would constantly talk about how rubbish it felt to lust after someone who had no interest in him.  He then started joking that he believed the reason I was saying no was that I found him unattractive.

About 5 months ago things changed.  We were now free to start dating.
The following 2 months were the greatest of my life.  I was happier than I ever thought possible.  My life had been turned upside down and I knew I never wanted it to go back to normal.  I wanted this to be the new normal.  

Soon the 2 months were up and my boyfriend had to leave the country for work for 3 months.  Him leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to experience.  But I knew he would be back.  Today, those 3 LONG, difficult months come to an end.  But I don't know if he'll be home on time.  
I want to be with him for the bells! I want to kiss him at the stroke of midnight! I want to start the new year with him!  They do say you should start the year as you mean to go on and I definitely intend to spend the whole year with him! I can't wait for 2013.  With him by my side, nothing can go wrong!

Loving you is the hardest thing

You know I love you! You know this has been the case for 4 years now! You know how hard this whole situation is for me! You're my best friend, who I see everyday, yet know that I can never be with.  I've tried so hard to stop myself from loving you, but it's impossible! 
I don't care if I'm not your best friend.  I don't even care if I don't feature in your top 20 - I'm used to being treated like crap.  After all, I've never had a proper best friend - someone who cares about me in the same way I care about them.  I've had 2 other best friends in my life - 1 who excluded me from everything and tried to turn my other friends against me, while having very little interest in me and 1 who told everyone all my secrets and lied about me so he could have things to talk about with other people.  I'm not asking for much from you, just treat me with a little bit of respect.  Like a friend.  Not like a piece of dirt you just stepped in.  
When I'm around you, everything is great.  We get along very well.  But when I'm not around, it's like I don't exist.  You forget all about me.  Now that there's a new person around you're completely obsessed with him.  Desperate to please - doing everything he wants - not caring about who you hurt and the damage you cause.  
We were out yesterday and although we were with a group of people we don't see very often, I don't think it was right that you focused all your attention on them, to the point where I was excluded from the group.  You make me feel like crap! 
On top of that, you now think it's appropriate to accuse me of not being happy for you?? I befriended the girl you've always loved in order to help you get with her.  I spent months trying to convince her that you were the right person for her! And now that you're together I smile and act as happy as I possibly can.  What more do you want? What more can I do?? Do you want me to dance in the street?? Should I throw you a party to celebrate?? I LOVE YOU!!! I'm as happy for you as I possibly can be!  I want you to be happy.  I really do.  And I'm delighted that you are.  But it's not my ideal situation.  Seeing you with her kills me inside.  I thought that seeing you happy would be all I needed to finally help me get over you.  But apparently not.  So please don't make this any harder than it has to be! I don't know if I'll ever get over you, but I'm trying.  I think this is the end.  Our friendship can't continue like this.  I love you, but goodbye...
My mood: pretty blue

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Previous Posts
Will you be home tonight?, posted December 30th, 2012, 1 comment
Loving you is the hardest thing, posted December 20th, 2012

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